He thinks I'm not capable of carrying my own bag pack?!

After spending quality weekend in the capital of Malaysia near to the person who is near and dear to my heart, it was time to go back to Kulim! Of course it was unacceptable to went home without my partner sending me off, so there he was, in KL Sentral with me. He found me in a bookstore (3 for RM25! And I found the whole collection of Gossip Girl & The It Girl, both by Cecily von Ziegesar) and complimented that I looked beautiful and thin (he was shocked that I looked thin but its okay) and noticed I was carrying a new bag pack. 

He immediately offered or demanded to help carry the bag pack for me. I have no idea why as it wasn't remotely heavy. I only have few pieces of clothing and a sudoku book inside. Of course I waved it off and insisted to carry it myself, duh. Mind you, I have this thing that if I can do it by myself, I would. Adding to the fact that it's because he said it's heavy (so it's better that he carried it) like I can't handle my own bag?! I carry 4 plastic bags worth of groceries at one time!! So obviously, I am NOT letting that happen. By the way, that's how bad my pride has control over me. 

Anyway, after an awesome dinner with my Shah Alam friends who we miraculously bumped into, we  rushed to MPH as I needed to buy a new mechanical pencil. On the escalator ride we were stuck in, my partner again insisted to help me carry my bag pack. I denied, again. But stopped to think that, of course it was silly of me to think that by giving my bag pack for him to carry meant I am less capable or less independent or more dependent on a guy (these issues are just something big to me). Here is a guy, who loves and likes me, and just wanted to help me or do something sweet. He was in no way trying to imply that I am not capable of anything and I know if I deny him this opportunity to do good to me, I would regret it on my train ride home. So, awkwardly feeling, I let him take my bag.

It might be very silly or comical or borderline ridiculous. All this talk about pride and this length just because he offered help to carry my bag! But I was very reluctant to give him my bag because I am capable of doing it. This is just a really small scale of I am capable of handling stuff, I don't need a man to do it for me or think I need help. 

I figured that it could be dangerous if I let that way of thinking consumes me without limit. It could go as far as being cancer to a relationship. And altho it would be hard for me to change my ways, harmless things that will make him happy, I would happily & gratefully comply. So, there.

Light

You're worried of the future.
You started looking back.
When did things change?
How did something so bright,
Becomes so bleak.
How did a clear path,
How wonky it might be,
Fades without trace.
How did an ambition,
Is now a resentment.
The bright light that guided you,
Did you see it flicker?
When did it dim out?

BOMB

You can love yourself, your body while trying to make it better. Trying to get fitter or smaller or bigger doesn't mean you dont love your bomb ass self. And if you really don't, do.  

HOME

Home. Everything could be a chaos but home is.. home you know? Where, you definitely belong. Where, wherever I'm at, home would be a good place to go back to. Only that, home is not a physical place for me. Well, not mostly. 

My family is my home. Or home is where my family is. Everything is or will be good at home, feel me? Like, entah la. For me, home is just a place that no matter what, everything will be okay. 

So, again, home is where you're like comfortable and you know what to do. You know where everything is, how everyone is. There's no confusion on how people behave. You know how to handle stuff at home. You're familiar with your surrounding. You're not scared, or nervous to be home - unless there's a special occasion but thats a different story. You're just at ease. A safe space.

That's how I am with my home and actually being in my physical home. 

With all that being said, now is my main point - I don't get the hype about all the butterflies in the tummy all the damn time or on every date, and also the 'no sparks no feelings ady' as breakup reasons. All this movies, chic flicks and quotes making people think that's the only way relationship should go. After a few months or years, you fall out of that infatuation phase, and the relationship dies?! You want someone new because this is no longer interesting?? Pshhhh. 

For me, getting comfortable with a partner is the best. You get familiar, you know the person. What ticks them off, what makes them giddy. You can be yourself, you can tell anything, you can say I need time I just found a new novel and they'll totally understand and let you indulge for few days! Dulu, I was worried a tiiiiny bit because no, I don't get butterflies in my tummy everytime we go on a date, I get those on special occasions je. Yes, sometimes things fall into a routine, some would say there's no sparks but that is for each partner to figure out and no, it's not wrong in wanting excitement or sparks! Just that au contraire, the no sparks thing, totally up to you to get jiggy with your partner, not that you need a new one.

At one point, I realized, my partner is now my home too. I no longer worry about the lack of excitement or insects or feeling like old married couple at times. And there will be times where you'll feel like you want to be in that infatuation phase again, so just make it be, it's possible. You're in charge! 

But all in all, I welcome the familiarity, the comfort that comes after the really exciting phase. Don't be afraid, embrace it.
Whatever happens, be your own man/woman/hero first. Never take on more shit that you shouldve put up with. 
My life is not black and white. There has never been a thick line between right and wrong. Even if there is, it's feeble, thin, barely unrecognizable and never straight. You could say my life is (a hell lot more than) 50 shades of grey haha but without the sexual exposure. Not that I can tell. Not yet anyway. Hahaha jokes or not. Jokesss

My life is not black and white. Which is not difficult pun. Except when stuff I have been pushing to the pit of my mind surfaces. My life in general is good. I am fortunate. I am grateful, don't get me wrong. I am a good child sort of. I mean, as I get older, I get wiser and as I am no longer a permanent resident of the family house, I give less problem like all the other birds who have flown out to the world. Ha ha. Anyway, I am so frustrated. So, so frustrated. That, haih. Let me find words to say this tactfully. 

The pieces of life that I know belong to me, that is or should be mine are taken away from me. Everybody else's pieces of life, are taken away from them. And all I can do is watch everything being taken away. I do not know how to stop this. I want to but I don't know how. I don't know if everybody else wants to stop it as well. And if they are just as clueless as I am. But nobody is doing anything. All we can do is work our asses off, and see what we worked for being taken away.

Few years back, I hoped things would change. Now, I just hope time will get by faster so I could try to give back the things that were and still being taken away from all these people.

But you know, miracles do happen.

So-lo

Hi

I'm feeling low. So loww. 

Some days I'm all motivated and gonna try and ace everything that I'm studying. 

But, some days, I'm questioning what the hell am I doing. What's the purpose of all this. Do i even want to do it. What.

Then some other days, I feel like dropping everything, leaving everything behind, and go somewhere else. Away from whatever i have going on. 

These feelings come and go. So I dont even knowwwww how to deal. Motivated today, confused tomorrow, running away the next. Then i get confused again. Then motivated pulak. Ugh. 

Will these feelings ever gonna go away??

Soulless.

It's been so long.. That I haven't seen your face. I'm tryna be strong but the strength I have is washing away. It wont be long before I get you by my side. And just hold you, tease you, squeeze you, tell you what's been on my mind~

Went thru high school with Akon's songs on the radio. Most of them are good and I still sing 'em now. Aaaaaaaanyway, it HAS been so long since I write. I wanted to, I just did not.


So, my family suffered a loss. A good cousin of mine passed away. It was unreal. I was in the middle of all that from the beginning of that horrific day. Right from the gut-wrenching scream of my aunty calling for my dad telling him the hospital called and asked her to come immediately until the burial. 

It was the first time I have ever experienced that. My grandfather passed away when I was 12, everything was a blur back then. This time tho, I don't know. I don't handle this kind of stuff well. Not as in I'll get depressed or some shit. It's as in I don't know how to handle the people around me that time. What to do? What to say? Where to look? What's the appropriate conversation topic? How to console the people around me? Is it okay if I don't cry? (It's bad guys, I do not know how to cry)

???????????????????????????????????

I am sad. Terribly. My cousin was young. He had always been a good cousin to me. We might not have been tight, best buds. But, he was family. One of the close few. The hardest part was, waiting for the arrival of his wife outside the ward. She came and asked where is her husband. What was I supposed to say???? What was I supposed to do?????? It was heartbreaking. How do you console a wife that had been taking care of her comatosed husband everyday without fail even when she's working for quite some time, then one morning, she got a call, rushed to the hospital, and the first person she see do not know how to answer the question of where is her husband at. 

The only two times I cried was when I was hugging the wife, and the sister of my cousin. Other than that, it would have looked like I am a girl without a soul, without compassion. I am sad of the passing of my cousin, I think of how his life ended without notice, how one day he woke up from a nap, not knowing what happened but unable to move. And now, gone. How he's going thru the phase after life. 

But for me, it's true. We pity the dead, but even more so the living. 

People are built differently.

Stop comparing yourself please. People are built differently. A little less of this, is made up with a little more of that. Altho there are some unfortunates (like me) who don't have any talent whatsoever, i like to believe that my lackless of talent is made up with a little more somewhere else. Which is fine by me. Accepted it more and more each day. Made peace with it. Be grateful of the 'a little more'. Enhance it. Embrace it. Make something useful out of it. 

If you think you have nothing.. Think again. And when you start comparing yourself.. Stop. Like i said, not everybody is built the same. Imagine a world where everybody does (and knows) only the same frickin thing. Same mind. Same way of thinking. Same set of skills. Same attitude. Same hobbies. Same favourite food. Same taste in men/women. Thebalance  wud be out, out, out. How would that work out huh? 

Final year of bsc.



Shit is getting pretty real. I'm on my final year of my bsc. One more semester then I'm off for my internship. Paksu said..

Start on top. Something big. Do NOT settle. Just because you think or people say its hard, dont give in. When you start with something big, then you won't go towards something smaller. Start as high as you can, then keep on climbing. 


Internship is going to be something totally new and totally foreign for me. Am i scared? Heck yeah. Will i do good? I have no frickin idea but i hope so. This is way way different from studying and sitting for finals. I have no idea how it would turn up. 

For someone who expects herself to get good results in wht she does, this new and foreign thing brings in anxiety. Loads of it. But nevermind, if things go wrong, then she'll just have to suck it up and learn to do it the right way. She should atleast be strong enough for that.