My life is not black and white. There has never been a thick line between right and wrong. Even if there is, it's feeble, thin, barely unrecognizable and never straight. You could say my life is (a hell lot more than) 50 shades of grey haha but without the sexual exposure. Not that I can tell. Not yet anyway. Hahaha jokes or not. Jokesss

My life is not black and white. Which is not difficult pun. Except when stuff I have been pushing to the pit of my mind surfaces. My life in general is good. I am fortunate. I am grateful, don't get me wrong. I am a good child sort of. I mean, as I get older, I get wiser and as I am no longer a permanent resident of the family house, I give less problem like all the other birds who have flown out to the world. Ha ha. Anyway, I am so frustrated. So, so frustrated. That, haih. Let me find words to say this tactfully. 

The pieces of life that I know belong to me, that is or should be mine are taken away from me. Everybody else's pieces of life, are taken away from them. And all I can do is watch everything being taken away. I do not know how to stop this. I want to but I don't know how. I don't know if everybody else wants to stop it as well. And if they are just as clueless as I am. But nobody is doing anything. All we can do is work our asses off, and see what we worked for being taken away.

We can't stop loving the taker, that is as much as I know. Oh how I hope the person know how much grieve the person has brought into the heart and mind of several people. Take me out of the equation as I don't think I'm important enough. I now carry the grieve of everybody else because somehow, I became the person people can tell stuff to. Maybe because I can't do anything about it. Maybe because I'm too young to judge. Maybe because I'm too naive to think from a different angle than what that I have been told. But all of them are grieving inside. Just like I am. All of them are supressing feelings into the pit of their mind. Just like I do. The only difference is, they don't know that I'm feeling the same thing too. 

Few years back, I hoped things would change. Now, I just hope time will get by faster so I could try to give back the things that were and still being taken away from all these people.

But you know, miracles do happen. And I want what's mine!



I'm feeling low. So loww. 

Some days I'm all motivated and gonna try and ace everything that I'm studying. 

But, some days, I'm questioning what the hell am I doing. What's the purpose of all this. Do i even want to do it. What.

Then some other days, I feel like dropping everything, leaving everything behind, and go somewhere else. Away from whatever i have going on. 

These feelings come and go. So I dont even knowwwww how to deal. Motivated today, confused tomorrow, running away the next. Then i get confused again. Then motivated pulak. Ugh. 

Will these feelings ever gonna go away??


It's been so long.. That I haven't seen your face. I'm tryna be strong but the strength I have is washing away. It wont be long before I get you by my side. And just hold you, tease you, squeeze you, tell you what's been on my mind~

Went thru high school with Akon's songs on the radio. Most of them are good and I still sing 'em now. Aaaaaaaanyway, it HAS been so long since I write. I wanted to, I just did not.

So, my family suffered a loss. A good cousin of mine passed away. It was unreal. I was in the middle of all that from the beginning of that horrific day. Right from the gut-wrenching scream of my aunty calling for my dad telling him the hospital called and asked her to come immediately until the burial. 

It was the first time I have ever experienced that. My grandfather passed away when I was 12, everything was a blur back then. This time tho, I don't know. I don't handle this kind of stuff well. Not as in I'll get depressed or some shit. It's as in I don't know how to handle the people around me that time. What to do? What to say? Where to look? What's the appropriate conversation topic? How to console the people around me? Is it okay if I don't cry? (It's bad guys, I do not know how to cry)


I am sad. Terribly. My cousin was young. He had always been a good cousin to me. We might not have been tight, best buds. But, he was family. One of the close few. The hardest part was, waiting for the arrival of his wife outside the ward. She came and asked where is her husband. What was I supposed to say???? What was I supposed to do?????? It was heartbreaking. How do you console a wife that had been taking care of her comatosed husband everyday without fail even when she's working for quite some time, then one morning, she got a call, rushed to the hospital, and the first person she see do not know how to answer the question of where is her husband at. 

The only two times I cried was when I was hugging the wife, and the sister of my cousin. Other than that, it would have looked like I am a girl without a soul, without compassion. I am sad of the passing of my cousin, I think of how his life ended without notice, how one day he woke up from a nap, not knowing what happened but unable to move. And now, gone. How he's going thru the phase after life. 

But for me, it's true. We pity the dead, but even more so the living. 

People are built differently.

Stop comparing yourself please. People are built differently. A little less of this, is made up with a little more of that. Altho there are some unfortunates (like me) who don't have any talent whatsoever, i like to believe that my lackless of talent is made up with a little more somewhere else. Which is fine by me. Accepted it more and more each day. Made peace with it. Be grateful of the 'a little more'. Enhance it. Embrace it. Make something useful out of it. 

If you think you have nothing.. Think again. And when you start comparing yourself.. Stop. Like i said, not everybody is built the same. Imagine a world where everybody does (and knows) only the same frickin thing. Same mind. Same way of thinking. Same set of skills. Same attitude. Same hobbies. Same favourite food. Same taste in men/women. Thebalance  wud be out, out, out. How would that work out huh? 

Final year of bsc.

Shit is getting pretty real. I'm on my final year of my bsc. One more semester then I'm off for my internship. Paksu said..

Start on top. Something big. Do NOT settle. Just because you think or people say its hard, dont give in. When you start with something big, then you won't go towards something smaller. Start as high as you can, then keep on climbing. 

Internship is going to be something totally new and totally foreign for me. Am i scared? Heck yeah. Will i do good? I have no frickin idea but i hope so. This is way way different from studying and sitting for finals. I have no idea how it would turn up. 

For someone who expects herself to get good results in wht she does, this new and foreign thing brings in anxiety. Loads of it. But nevermind, if things go wrong, then she'll just have to suck it up and learn to do it the right way. She should atleast be strong enough for that.
I'm one of those people who don't write when i'm happy. 
With social media conquering out lives, it's very hard not to get overwhelmed seeing how other people are living their lives. Whether we know them, or just random people we found in our explore pages. Some are so beautiful it hurts to watch them, some are so so successful you feel so so so tiny and useless.

I have to keep myself in check. Focusing on what i want in life. What i really want, and all the others are just.. extras. A little something on the side. There's this lesson i learnt from my pre-teen novels, some people can do everything and be good at them. Some people however, have to focus on one thing but will be great in it.

Not everybody is built the same way. Definition of success is different for every individual. Every path is different! But of course, thats not a reason to be slacking off. Work for what you want. Just dont get distracted by allllllllll the things you see. 

Lesson #1

It is always good to learn from our own mistakes. But it is also necessary to learn from others' mistakes. 

Pushing someone to go beyond their limit is good. But pushing them down, holding their head under water is just plain bullying. Push them in, be there to help them, guide them. And also, encouragement goes a long way. 
Hi Mia. I miss you.

Everybody talks to much.

I am writing from my laptop. Which I haven't done so in maaaaaybe a few years. Phew. I'm just in a really uncomfortable place right now. I mean, not literally. Like emotionally and stuff like that. I don't think I'm allowed to have like teenage angst and all that anymore since I'm like 22 now *cringe*. But I sure as hell feels like having some sometimes.

And what's with making a mistake, making a mental note not to do it again and BAM!, doing it again. So frustrating. Also, I'm having ~*trouble*~ giving fck. I mean like I would think about what other people would say if I do this, or that, but then I'll just go heh they'll just have to deal with it okay. And (this is the last 'And' I swear) i have come to realize that what other people say, would not have any effects whatsoever on who I am or my self worth, so talk away.